Talking to friends about sexual consent (part two)

Superdrug’s You Before Yes Campaign delves deeper into the crucial, but often overlooked world, of consent. It opens up important conversations about what it actually means, helping you feel in the know and empowered to find your voice when it comes to all things consent.

In this blog post from the series, Fumble, the free digital sex education platform, discusses how you can talk to friends about sexual consent.

What if my friend is pressuring people into sex?

Situation 1: If you think your friend is pressuring someone into having sex with them, whether that’s a partner or not. This is a really uncomfortable and tricky situation to navigate, but so important to acknowledge.

The majority of sexual assaults and rape are committed by someone the survivor knows. As much as we like to think that strangers are more of a risk, and that the people we know aren’t capable of sexual violence, statistically this isn’t the case. We can do a lot by having conversations with each other about sexual consent and calling each other out on any bad behaviour, even if that’s ‘just’ inappropriate comments that disregard consent.

Because the majority of us haven’t had decent consent education, it could be that you don’t think this behaviour is malicious. Regardless, there’s no excuse. No-one is entitled to have sex with anyone else. No-one should be pressuring or expecting anyone else to have sex with them.

Here are some examples of responses you could give, if they make a comment that worries you.

• f they were both drunk or intoxicated: 

“You’ve got to be careful with that, if they’re not with it and don’t know what’s going on… even if you were drunk too/you don’t want to be ‘that person’.”

• If they’re complaining their partner isn’t into sex at the moment: 

“I think that’s really normal? It’s frustrating, yeah, but you don’t want to be pressuring them, that’s not good. Have you talked to them about it?”

• If they tell you their partner didn’t look ‘into it’ and just laid there:

“Did you check in? Ask if they were okay? It sounds like they weren’t in the mood, it’s always worth checking.”

• If you see something that doesn’t look okay and it looks like your friend is taking advantage of someone:

If you feel able to step in, you could check in and ask: “Are you sure they’re okay?” As well as this, ask the person themselves how they’re feeling. Another option is to intervene more directly with something like: “They’re way too drunk and out of it, let’s get them a cab.” This is just about flagging that you’ve spotted something isn’t right, and making sure the friend knows that you’ve noticed. This alone could deescalate the situation.

 What if my friend/family member is the one being pressured into sex?

Situation 2: you think your friend or family member is being pressured into having sex with someone when they don’t actually want it, whether that’s their partner or not.

Not understanding sexual consent can go the other way too. If saying no feels hard, sometimes people find it easier to go ahead with sex instead. But just talking about it could really help them, especially if you’re able to talk about all the different ways to communicate a ‘no’, both verbally and with body language.

• “They said they couldn’t stop themselves”

Someone can always stop, regardless of whether you’re in the middle of sex or not. Sexual partners who genuinely care about their partner will stop when they realise something’s wrong. No-one’s entitled to sex – it’s not okay for them to continue. For a comparison, they would immediately stop if a parent walked into the room. The same follows for this!

• “They said if I really loved them, I’d do it. That I clearly wasn’t that into them if I didn’t want to sleep with them”

This is emotional manipulation: trying to guilt-trip a partner into having sex. No-one should be pressured to have sex to ‘prove’ their feelings. Again, sexual partners who genuinely care about you won’t do this.

Getting support

If you’ve suffered any form of sexual violence or unwanted sexual behaviour, there are places you can go for help and support. Please don’t try to manage this alone.