5 ways to say ‘no’ if you change your mind during sex

Superdrug’s You Before Yes Campaign delves deeper into the crucial, but often overlooked world, of consent. It opens up important conversations about what it actually means, helping you feel in the know and empowered to find your voice when it comes to all things consent.

In this blog post from the series, Fumble, the free digital sex education platform, shares 5 ways to say ‘no’ if you change your mind during sex.

You can say ‘no’ to sex at any point.

We can’t say it enough. Whether that’s in a bar or club, in the bedroom, or in the middle of having sex. You always have the right to change your mind about any kind of sexual intimacy, regardless of what’s going on.

There’s lots of support available if you’ve experienced sexual violence and unwanted sexual behaviour. Please don’t manage this alone. Jump straight to our ‘getting support’ section below.

However, knowing that we can always say ‘no’ to sex doesn’t mean it’s easy to actually say it. Saying ‘no’ can feel incredibly hard for a lot of us! Especially if we’re saying it to someone we have feelings for.

Because of this, it’s worth taking a moment to think about how you and your partner prefer to communicate. You may have the skills to be direct, honest and say ‘no’ when you need to (and it’s definitely a great skill to have!), but that doesn’t mean people around you do.

We’ve put together some alternatives that might feel a little easier, though this list certainly isn’t exhaustive. It really is a skill and, like any skill, practice helps a lot, but starting with ‘gentle’ phrasing can feel easier at first.

Some ways of saying ‘no’ that might feel a little easier

1. Giving an alternative

Rather than a direct refusal, sometimes it can feel easier to suggest what you do want to do. For example: “Let’s do … instead” or “Can we do … instead?” This communicates to the other person that you do want to spend time with them, but in a different way. It’s worth remembering that it’s important to communicate what we do want, as well as what we don’t.

2. Taking a pause

Do you need to stop completely, or do you need a break? If you’re not sure, it’s okay to suggest a break and then see how you feel after a little while. Saying ‘no’ can feel very final in cases where perhaps it’s more about pausing, so it’s okay to say that. For example: “Let’s pause a moment” or “Can we just pause a minute?”

3. Slowing down

Perhaps it feels too fast. Kissing quickly turned into removing clothes, but you want to take it slower. Or touching each other turned into fingering or a handjob, and you want to slow down. There shouldn’t be any rush, after all.

Because of countless societal influences (TV and film, mainstream porn, etc.), we can often find ourselves following a sexual ‘script’, without even realising. Kissing, followed by touching, fingering or handjob, maybe oral: going down on them or giving them a blowjob, and finally penetrative vaginal or anal sex. But we don’t need to follow this ‘script’. There are lots of different ways to have sex, and you can slow down or go back to kissing/touching, as and when you and your sexual partner want. For example: “Can we slow down a minute? Go back to …?”

4. Changing things up

Perhaps it’s not about stopping completely, but you want your partner to adjust what they’re doing. What feels good sexually will be different for each of us, and a sexual partner won’t necessarily know unless we tell or show them what we especially like. They may feel grateful for some direction! It’s hard to attempt to figure out what people enjoy sexually, if you haven’t talked about it. For example: “That’s a bit too fast, can we try slower?” (e.g. fingering), or show them what feels good for you: “Can I show you?” or “It feels good like this”.

5. Stopping

It’s simple, and perhaps seems too obvious, but of course you can say that you want to stop. You don’t need to give a reason. Sometimes we don’t immediately know the exact reason, but we know what we need. For example: “Hang on a moment”, “I want to stop” or “Can we stop?”

These are all vocal alternatives, but body language is also very expressive and important to notice. A lot of us communicate through body language when it comes to sex.

Getting support

If you’ve suffered any form of sexual violence or unwanted sexual behaviour, there are places you can go for help and support. Please don’t try to manage this alone.