Is sexual consent more complicated than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’?

Superdrug’s You Before Yes Campaign delves deeper into the crucial, but often overlooked world, of consent. It opens up important conversations about what it actually means, helping you feel in the know and empowered to find your voice when it comes to all things consent.

In this blog post from the series, Fumble, the free digital sex education platform, discusses if sexual consent is more complicated than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

‘Yes or No’

Consent has become a bit of a buzzword, especially when it comes to sexual intimacy and sexual relationships. And quite rightly – sex can only be pleasurable and fun if everyone consents and wants to have sex. So that’s simple, right? Just say yes or no, depending on what you both want.

Except, in real life, sexual consent can feel much more complicated than that. It can actually feel tricky to work out what we want when it comes to sex.

Finding it hard to say no

Most of us know that we can say ‘no’ to sex at any point. Whether you’re in a bar, heading upstairs, getting under the covers, undressed or even in the middle of having sex, you can change your mind and tell your sexual partner. But how easy is it to say ‘no’, or tell the other person you want to stop?

Even if you know it’s your right, it can be very difficult to voice. Even if your sexual partner has said it’s okay, or you know they would want you to speak up, it can still feel really hard. Sometimes it can oddly feel easier to be blunt with someone you hardly know at all?! What’s all that about?

A lot of people struggle to say ‘no’. We live in a culture that doesn’t encourage us to say that outright and direct two-letter word. It’s rare to say a direct ‘no’ to something non-sexual. 

We know that, although it’s common to find it difficult to say ‘no’, some people can find it even harder because of past experiences they’ve had. For example, if you’ve experienced sexual violence in the past, or had any experience where someone has carried on during sex, despite you saying you wanted to stop or that you didn’t feel comfortable.

So, if it’s hard to say ‘no’, how can I trust my partner actually wants to have sex?!

This can feel tricky if you’re wanting to suggest sex to your partner. One way to make it easier for the other person, especially if you know they struggle to be direct, is to give them the opportunity to say no indirectly. Ask them an open question that gives an alternative to sex. (It’s great if you can be forthright when talking about sex, but we also know that a lot of people use phrases to mean ‘sex’.) For example:

• “Do you want to come back to mine or shall we stay for another drink?”
• “Do you want to stay up a bit, kiss and stuff, or are you tired?”

This can feel a lot easier for someone to respond to, because they’re still picking something you’ve suggested and it doesn’t feel like an outright ‘rejection’.

Being able to read your partner’s body language will also help you to understand how your partner is feeling.

It’s understandable to feel frustrated at sexual consent not being as simple as saying yes/no. But actually this ‘complication’ taps into an incredibly important point: getting consent is the bare minimum of what we should be doing when it comes to sexual intimacy with someone. Whether you’re in a long-term relationship with this person, or it’s a more casual hook-up, you should be trying your best to make the other person feel as comfortable as possible, and aiming to give them the best time you can (though, that doesn’t mean doing things you don’t want to do!). We can do this by:

• Giving them the opportunity to say ‘no’
• Taking the time to understand their body language
• Checking in to make sure they’re enjoying themself: “how’s this? Slower?” or “does this feel okay?”
• Listening to them

The more thought that goes into communication, building trust and considering each other’s feelings, the better the sex will be, and the more fun you’ll have together. Ultimately, sexual consent is about care and checking in.

So is sexual consent more complicated than a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’? Yes, absolutely. But that’s because a yes/no is the lowest bar of what needs to happen before sexual intimacy, rather than what will actually make sex fun and enjoyable.

Getting support

If you’ve suffered any form of sexual violence or unwanted sexual behaviour, there are places you can go for help and support. Please don’t try to manage this alone.