Confidence: The Key to Great Sex

Superdrug’s Naked Academy is the UK high street’s first sexual and intimate health and pleasure academy for all sexualities and ethnicities. The online Naked Academy hub, on Superdrug.com, provides helpful information and education on all things sexual and intimate health, along with sexual pleasure and health product recommendations and services.

In this blog post from the series, our Naked Academy ambassador Max Hovey shares his thoughts on how confidence is the key to great sex.

Think about any enjoyable activity, literally any. If you’re distracted and not fully present, that activity won’t give you as much enjoyment. If it’s one that requires focus and attention, likelihood is you won’t be as good at it. If your mind is on other things, the activity is neglected. If you walk into a room and the thoughts going through your mind are about your appearance, how you’re coming across, if you’ve said or done the right thing, not only will it impact your experience, but other people will notice you’re distracted too. Well my friends, the same applies to sex!

Confidence is hard, it’s not something that appears overnight. It’s like a learned skill, it has to be nurtured and takes dedication and perseverance. But one of the most important things I have learned about confidence is that it’s simply a mindset, it’s not an aesthetic. It’s not about thinking you’re the most beautiful person in the room, it’s not about thinking you’re the cleverest or funniest, it’s about having faith in yourself. 

Here’s something I thought about recently, the difference between confidence and arrogance: 

Confidence: belief in your abilities and worth without comparing yourself to others 

Arrogance: belief in your abilities and worth whilst believing that these qualities make you better than others 

To put it bluntly, being confident in bed isn’t about thinking you have the best body, being the best kisser or anything else that supposedly ‘matters’. It’s about having faith in what YOU have to offer. The proof I have of this, is that I personally have been with guys who are classed as the ‘body ideal’ (including genitalia), and also with guys whose bodies are more average like mine. The difference has been the level of confidence. I found that the more averagely endowed men who had confidence in their worth and their abilities were much better in bed, because they truly had faith in their worth being enough. Having a “better” body doesn’t automatically mean better sex.

Think for a second: imagine you’re having sex and all you’re thinking about is if you’re doing it right, if you’ve held your tummy in, if you’re pulling the right faces and making the right noises. Not only will you struggle to enjoy it because you’re completely neglecting the sex itself, but the other person will be able to tell that you’re not completely in the room. 

If you learned to have confidence in your abilities and what you have to offer, your sexual experience will be drastically improved. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that great sex is based on confidence alone, straight men are living proof of that. A large part of great sex is knowing what to do and how to pleasure the other person. Being confident in bed is also not being afraid to ask! There’s no shame in asking for feedback, checking if your partner(s) are enjoying what you’re doing, if there’s anything you can do differently. 

Confidence is not being afraid of feedback, it’s being willing to learn, it’s about embracing the funny parts of sex and not expecting it to be perfect, it’s about showing emotion, it’s about knowing that sex is real and it doesn’t have to be a performance. Obviously, this is all easier said than done, I get it. Sex is scary, it’s probably the most vulnerable thing you can do, so being your most confident when you’re at your most vulnerable sounds impossible. But it doesn’t have to be. 

Here’s a few little tips that may help you to start some confidence in the bedroom:

Spend some quality time alone – Yes, I mean masturbate. And this doesn’t have to mean masturbating in a traditional sense, it can mean exploring your body in a sexual way and finding out what you like. Being intimate alone is a great way to figure out what gets you going and to get used to your body

Watch Homemade Porn – This may sound like a weird one, but this has done wonders for me. What I mean by this is that homemade porn is less staged. It’s no secret that the adult film industry has led to very high expectations of sex, but homemade videos tend to be a lot more natural and often have more average bodies with the imperfections that we all have. Watching these sorts of videos may help you feel seen and be more confident in you, it’s definitely helped me (try twitter, trust me it’s elite). 

Openly Communicate with partners – This one is crucial. I don’t think there’s such a thing as being universally ‘good in bed’. I mean maybe some people, and you’re one of them drop me a DM, for erm, research purposes. Anyway, sex is subjective. Everyone has different desires, expectations and standards. So, by communicating with your partner and finding out this for them, you will be more confident knowing what it is the other person wants from sex. You’re not a mind reader, so ask!

Moral of the story my angels, the mindset you are in for sex is an important factor that contributes to good sex. So by learning to be confident in who YOU are and what YOU have to offer, you could massively improve your sexual experiences.

Love ya, 

Max

About the Author

Max Hovey

[He/Him} Max is a London based writer, creator and queer change-maker that has his finger on the pulse of pop culture and trends. Max shares his daily routines through an achievable, relatable and light-hearted lense to inspire his audience to make little changes to feel more confident and happy. 

Max uses his platforms and influence as well to promote body acceptance, encourage sex positivity and champion queer topics. This includes experimenting with fashion and his identity to discover new forms of self-expression and self care. Max also enjoys connecting with his audience through short educational videos on an array of pivotal topics for his LGBTQI+ peers.